To get us in the mood, I am writing this section naked, in a way that is both legal and slightly uncomfortable due to the hard wooden base of my chair.

If you wish to join me in this joyous expression of your physical form by reading this section of the book while naked, I will not stop you. Although I will warn you that, unless you are careful in how you display your naked form, you could be breaking the law. I love my readers, both clothed and unclothed (mostly unclothed), and I want to keep you out of trouble, so let’s work out how you can be naked at home without breaking any public decency laws. Remember those from our section on outdoor sex? Yep, they’re back, and this time it’s personal.

Under our laws, we do not have a legal right to nakedness. Rather, we can be naked and free only if, in doing so, we are not breaking laws designed to protect the eyes of the innocent. It seems strange that our own bodies can, simply by existing in their natural form, cause us to break the law. I guess that is the price we pay for living in this modern, prudish world.

Strip off in public, even at Bondi Beach where it seems to my old eyes that anything goes, and you will almost immediately get charged with a criminal offence. Go back and read the section on outdoor sex again, for the details of all the various obscene exposure and behaviour laws in our fine country, as the same laws apply if you are caught wandering around naked in public.

The law is a little more relaxed (as I hope you are, if you are legally naked right now) when it comes to nakedness in your own home. You can be as naked as you like, so long as you are not wilfully and obscenely displaying yourself where the public can easily see your every nook and cranny.

To test out how far you can go with home nakedness, let’s do a role-playing exercise. I will be the child and you can be the mother in this scenario. Oh what, this is weird? You’re the one wanting to be naked all the time, so stop being so judgmental.

OK, stay with me on this. We are going to act out a scenario that demonstrates how someone can be committing a criminal act by being naked in their very own home. Ready? And, action:

Child: Let’s go for a walk outside, mummy. It is such a nice day.

Mother: Yes, my dear sweet child, what a wonderful idea.

Child: Mummy, Mr Jones’s house is so quaint and lovely. Look at his nice big windows, which are completely uncovered and allow us to see into his bedroom.

Mother: I believe those are a French style of window, dear child, popular in the 1800s and adopted into more modern architecture.

Child: Mummy mummy, look, there is Mr Jones now. Hey, where are his clothes? Has he lost them?

Mother: He must have just had a shower, dear, and dropped his towel. Look away.

Child: But, mummy, he is looking right at us and twirling his hips around. That hose he is carrying keeps hitting his knees.

Mother: That’s not a hose. That’s a man-sausage! Run for your life, my child. I will call the police!

And, break. Great work, well role-played. You’re going to be a great big shining star one day. You really went for it on that ‘man-sausage’ line. I am very impressed.

Now, in this scenario, when the police arrive Mr Jones is going to be charged with obscene exposure, even though he was naked in his own private residence. The reason is that Mr Jones made a big song and dance about being naked in his own home and did it in a room where the outside world could see him in all his glory. If he had taken some simple steps to block the view of people outside of his home from looking into his naked song and dance room, like closing the blinds, that would have been enough to avoid him breaking the law.

Now that you know how to be naked at home, in a legal way, please take the time to check that no one from the public can see you. Close your blinds, shut your door, turn down the lights. Tick those boxes, and you can now safely join me in a legal nude dance session. Let’s get jiggy with it.