Wow, shouldn’t this post be marked as Not Safe For Work? Absolutely not. This is educational, like that Where Did I Come From? video that we all had to uncomfortably sit through in a PE class back in high school.

To answer your question, you can’t perform a sexual activity with, or on, an animal or with someone under the age of sixteen.

Oh, you want to know whether there are any sexual positions that are illegal to perform or receive. Sorry, I got things horribly wrong, as is often the case for me when it comes to matters of lovemaking.

I understand now. Well, I don’t understand the positions themselves, as I cramp up easily so leave that sort of shenanigans to the professionals like your good self. I understand your question, though.

The simple answer is ‘no’ there are no sexual positions that are illegal, so long as you don’t injure your partner or subject them to abuse, physical violence beyond what could be considered ‘reasonable’ for sexual pleasure (judges are freaks, so this is likely to be a pretty loose test), or unlawfully restrain your partner against their will.

Everyone involved must give their consent to the sexual act too, and it has to be a true consent freely given. If one of the people involved is not in a position (no pun intended) to freely agree to perform or receive the sexual act, then any other person that continues to perform or receive it is committing a crime. Also, if one person feels pressured into performing or receiving the sexual act by another person, or a person is unclear about what is happening or cannot understand the consequences of it, then anyone else involved in the act is likely committing a crime too. To put it another way: just because someone does not say ‘no’ or ‘stop’ does not mean they are automatically consenting. Your sexual partner or partners must make it clear that they are consenting to the sexual act, freely and enthusiastically. No ‘no’ from your sexual partner does not mean they are saying ‘yes.’

From a legal perspective, it also matters where you perform the sexual act. In the bedroom with the blinds closed is usually perfectly legal, if a little boring. Sexy times outside can be legal too, but please take some care because the law here gets a little, well, messy.

There are no laws in any state or territory of Australia that expressly make it illegal to have sex in public. That’s good.

What the laws in each state and territory do, though, is make ‘inappropriate behaviour’ illegal, or make it an offence to ‘expose one’s genitals in public.’ These broader laws are then used to cover a wide range of behaviour, from sex in public to streaking at the Boxing Day Test Match at the MCG. That’s bad.

Let’s take a look at a few examples of these kinds of laws, so you know what to do, and where to do it, if you want to have fun, and legal, outdoor sex.

If you have outdoor sex in New South Wales or Victoria, and the police get involved (in their official capacity), you and your partner/s might get charged under ‘wilful and obscene exposure’ laws. If you get charged with this crime, you will be fined (this can be over $1,000 at the time I am writing this) and even face jail time (up to six months in New South Wales and, crazily, up to twelve months in Victoria).

The Northern Territory has similar laws and penalties, only its laws call your outdoor sex act ‘indecent exposure.’ If you are arrested and found to be guilty of indecent exposure for having sex in public, you could spend up to six months in prison.

In Queensland, the law says that a person must not wilfully expose his or her genitals in a public place without a reasonable excuse. What the hell could be a reasonable excuse? I cannot think of anything that would give me a reasonable excuse for getting my junk out in public. ‘Stand back, this man is having a heart attack. I have to commence chest compressions, but can only do so with my trousers down, to ensure I am not restricted in my movement.’ The maximum penalty that can be imposed if you are found guilty of genital exposure without excuse in Queensland is $200. Get a few mates to chip in the fee, and you might think it is worth it for the entertainment value alone.

The Australian Capital Territory has laws that make indecent exposure a criminal act, punishable by up to twelve months in prison. If you decide to have outdoor sex in the ACT, maybe bring a blanket to cover you. Twelve months is a long time.

In South Australia, there are a range of criminal charges that might apply if you are busted having outdoor sex. How serious are the consequences of your ‘indecent behaviour’ depends on how, well, indecent you have been. If your behaviour is just the usual level of ‘indecent’ you could be facing up to three months in prison. Do something (I am not sure what – fornicating in one of Adelaide’s beautiful churches during the middle of Sunday mass, perhaps) that makes your actions ‘grossly indecent’ and you can be looking at up to six months in prison.

Tasmania makes it a crime to breach their ‘public decency’ laws. Having sex in a children’s play park is likely going to breach these laws, so keep that in mind if you decide to get jiggy in a playground in Burnie late one evening when you and your partner think nobody is watching. Do it in front of an audience of Tassie kids, and you will be in even more trouble, as suddenly your outdoor sex act is a ‘flagrant’ breach of public decency laws, which has much more serious consequences for you if you are caught and arrested, such as large fines and possible jail time. On the plus side, you have given the kids something to talk about at school the next day, which I suppose is a good educational result.

Finally, Western Australia makes it an offence to commit ‘indecent acts’ in public, with jail time if you are found guilty. If the offence is relatively minor – sex in public would probably qualify as a minor offence, so long as you and your partner were not making spectacles of yourself in a highly visible public area – you can get away with a fine and a great story to tell at your next family gathering.

So what did we learn here? If you are going to have sex in public, please do it somewhere where there is no chance of you being seen or heard, unless you want to face criminal charges when some fun-hating person calls the police on you. And if you can only do it where you cannot be seen or heard, why not just do it in private. Surely it is more comfortable, right?